Self-Control

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control

Stories

Let's begin with a few stories from life in parishes and religious orders.

A member threatens to withhold their pledge if one of the parish’s practices is not changed

A monk holds forth during chapter about resentments he has held onto for years. How he keeps wondering whether it's worth being part of the order. He just doesn't feel listened to.

A rector tells a volunteer priest associate that he needs to leave the parish. There is no explanation, no conversation.

Howard has been on the vestry for two years. He’s good natured and likable. Quick to agree to take on some of the vestry’s work. He has a pattern of being unrealistic about how much time it takes to do things. He's not good at managing time and prioritizing. He has a tendency to overextend himself. He had suddenly withdrawn from something he had committed himself to do leaving others in the parish wondering about his reliability..

A brother in a religious community threatens to quit. This is the third time he's done this. The issue he’s concerned about is never resolved to his liking, and he simply backs away from the threat.

The Vicar goes to the parish hall after the Eucharist on Sunday. There is a full breakfast every Sunday. The room is alive with chatter and laughter. He puts his eggs and bacon on his plate, carries his tray to his office, shuts the door and eats alone. He does this every Sunday.

The parish has a norm at meetings to go around the room and allow each person an opportunity to briefly share their thinking. On several occasions, there's been a parishioner or two who refuse to abide by the norm. They go on at length about their feelings and what they think the parish should do.

In each story there is a lack of self-control, a difficulty in managing their emotions.

Self-control & managing our emotions

The Scripture’s call to temperance, or self-control, and the wisdom of the behavioral sciences about managing our emotions, are overlapping fields each drawing on stories, practices and models that generally point in the same direction.

For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of humankind: But no human being contain the tongue; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. (James 3:7-​8)

Saint Paul mentions the need for self-control several times in the Scriptures. In Galatians it’s a fruit of the Spirit. And in 1 Corinthians he offers a metaphor about running a race, in which restraint and balance is necessary if we’re to complete the race. All through scripture there is the image of the power of the human tongue and the assumption that we can use that power in the cause of life or death - "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” (Proverbs 18:21). In Matthew, Our Lord warns us against the ”idle word.” (12:36-37) and in Ephesians Paul wants us to speak to build up and in our speaking seek to fit the occasion. (4:29)

Daniel Goleman is one of the nation’s experts on emotional intelligence. He writes of self control as “the ability to modulate and control one’s actions in age-appropriate ways; a sense of inner control.” In the Shaping the Parish program we make use of a self-assessment form that sees self-control as managing disruptive emotions and impulses and includes these elements: ability to manage our impulsive feelings and distressing emotions well, staying composed, positive, and unflappable even in trying moments, thinking clearly and stay focused under pressure

Self-control is just one aspect in the larger task of emotional intelligence.[2]

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak (Ecclesiastes 3:7)

Temperament is not destiny

In Emotional Intelligence, Goleman has a chapter, “temperament is not destiny.” He writes of the moods that typify our emotional life and the habitual reactions that we see in those of us who are especially volatile or very shy. I'm going to expand upon that a bit and suggest that the wisdom applies to the personality types many of us know about from MBTI or the Enneagram.

This is who I am, you need to accept me, to adjust yourself to me.

Whether it is simply our experience of ourselves, understood over time, or insight gained through instrumentation, our self control is significantly undermined if we have the stance that this is just who I am and everyone around me must get used to it. I use the MBTI to illustrate this.

Roy Oswald has suggested that there's a significantly disproportionate representation of ENFP types among the Episcopal clergy. '“ENFPs are enthusiastic, insightful, innovative, versatile, and tireless in pursuit of new possibilities. They enjoy working on teams to bring about change related to making things better for people.” [3] Among their strengths they tend to “focus on possibilities, especially for people and energize and persuade others through their contagious enthusiasm.” They may also overextend themselves, not prioritize their work, and be poor at applying “logic dispassionately and consider the relevant facts and details for optimal results.”

Then what does it look like for the ENFP to exercise effective self-control? These are really useful for all types and temperaments:

• Accept and build upon their strengths and gifts

• Have a clear understanding of their blindside and learn how to compensate by expanding their skills (i.e., working against type) or creating processes that offset the harmful impact.

• Learn how to make use of their strengths in an appropriate manner; our strengths can be used to excess and in ways that you're not fit the situation

• And in humility step away from a stance that assumes our temperament is destiny.

For the ENFP, we may need to learn how to curb our enthusiasm and stop our drive to look at more possibilities when the group is ready to move along. We may need to accept that others see things differently from us and the possible “resolution” is that each party accept the other’s self differentiation. Or when we're under stress, learn how to avoid spinning “out of control with extremes of emotion” unloading all our resentments on the group.

The drama isn’t really necessary or inevitable

Here’s another way to look at self-control. The Drama Triangle is something we do when we have lost our self-control. There are families that spend most of their lives in this drama. All of us spend some of our life playing the game.

Stephen Karpman created the Drama Triangle in 1968. The model identifies three roles present in many interactions – Persecutor, Rescuer, Victim – and explores the three roles or stances people take as they avoid some aspect of reality in a relationship. Many of us slide from one stance to another. Some people seem deeply embedded in one of the roles, seeing their life and their world through that lens. The roles are expressions of our desire to make sense of our world, exercise influence, and achieve a degree of stability in the relationships. In the end the roles are unable to address any of those desires.

The roles are habits we take on in an attempt to have influence. They are ways of exercising control that establishes a secure but destructive bond among people in families and other systems, including parish churches.

Earlier I mentioned a self-assessment form that “sees self-control as managing disruptive emotions and impulses and includes these elements: ability to manage our impulsive feelings and distressing emotions well, staying composed, positive, and unflappable even in trying moments, thinking clearly and stay focused under pressure.” When we are in the Drama Triangle we are unable to do any of that.

I found the drama triangle extremely useful. It’s not that knowing a theory, in itself, allowed me to always avoid playing that game. It was just one more resource that helped me keep perspective and reflect on my behavior. [Other postings using the Drama Triangle: Jumping into our place and Show Mercy and do justice ]

In all the stories in the beginning of this piece we see someone in the Drama Triangle. The person threatening to withhold their pledge if one of the parish’s practices ​was not changed begins in the victim role, may hope for a rescuer, and is likely to quickly move into the persecutor role. The monk holding forth during chapter about resentments he has held onto for years. Is playing the victim and persecutor roles in the same moment. In both cases, the person is inviting others to be their rescuer. And often enough, they'll find someone who likes to see themselves as acting unselfishly to help others and enjoys having the high moral ground. It’s an addictive position, you get to feel good about yourself while undermining another person's ability to take care of themselves. Taking on one of those roles, or rotating among them, is a way of avoiding self-control and responsible behavior.

• Persecutor - If we begin from this position we move to blame others. We seek to be in control and see ourselves as superior to others (we don’t understand that this is what we are doing). We may try to be a Rescuer and if that fails, and we are blamed, we may become the Victim. The Persecutor role tends to create an oppressive, defensive climate.

• The Rescuer role seems to be pretty common among many clergy. It appears among those heavily invested in pastoral care and social justice, and yes, those committed to parish vitality. We can go too far. A couple of indicators might be a feeling of superiority as we are acting unselfishly to help, a kind of addiction to the role, we feel good and virtuous while in fact undermining people’s ability to care for themselves and manage their lives. The Rescuer may be driven by a need to act rather than worship; to not understand Underhill’s reflection on adoration, awe and service.[4]

• Victim - In the drama the Victim we see ourselves as helpless and overwhelmed. We think we are not able to solve our problems, keep our commitments or learn new ways of coping. But as this is a mental game, none of that is real. We aren’t true victims, but we get something out of seeing ourselves as such. It might legitimize our resentments over the routine slights and difficulties of life. The Victim seeks out Persecutors and Rescuers, people who will participate in the drama.

The self-control task is to see it coming. To catch the moment when we are about to slide into the game. We may feel overwhelmed by feelings of rage and anger or anxiety and fear. We need to identify that the drama is about to begin and, in that moment, step aside from participating. This initial act of awareness and refusal to play is essential because once the drama gets underway it’s very difficult to stop it until the participants are exhausted.

We never manage that perfectly. But we can learn to increase our self-awareness and learn new behaviors. Some families and groups seem to spend most of their time in the Drama Triangle. But for most of us, if in our exhaustion, someone makes a gesture, and if others receive that gesture, the drama comes to an end.

If in the example of the person threatening to withhold their pledge it takes place during a vestry meeting, the temptation is likely to be that some members who feel angry may jump into the Persecutor role and other members think the “Christian” thing to do is to rescue the person from their distress. “You’re trying to blackmail us. You’re being manipulative to get your way.!” or “Let's revisit that decision. Maybe we were hasty in going in that direction.” Task one is to not jump into a role.

Not rushing doing something at that moment can be very difficult for many people. The instinct may be to do something to calm our anxiety. The second difficulty is to do something useful once the threat has been made. The person chairing the meeting might say something like “I see that you're finding this very upsetting. I hope you’ll reconsider. The next item on our agenda is…..” If that is said without malice and snark, and others in the room pick up and begin to discuss the next agenda item, the game has been avoided. The person that had made the threat then has the opportunity to move on with the group. It’s also possible that the person will walk out of the room in another attempt to get someone to buy into the game. If no one runs after them in a rescue attempt or yells at them as they're leaving the room (persecutor), the person may leave and have an opportunity to regain self-control and the vestry can continue the meeting. Of course all of that depends on people managing their emotions of anxiety or anger or fear.

My mouth shall speak of wisdom, *
and my heart shall meditate on understanding. (Ps 49:2)

Random ideas about self-control

Deal with resentments in a timely manner. "Don't let the sun go down on your anger" (Ephesians 4:26). Okay, take a day or two if you must. If you have a habit of holding onto and nurturing resentments over long periods of time you need to discuss that with your spiritual director or therapist. If you're familiar with the Relationship Cycle in Parishes [5], you might use that as a way to understand the choices you have of moving into either a green line or a red line.

If you must vent, let it be in private with a friend. The religious community that you are part of is not likely to be strengthened and “built up” by the public venting of your anger. It may help, if you're in conversation with a friend, to identify something specific that you're asking for from others. Your friend may be able to help you explore whether your expectations are realistic, and consider what the likely impact of your taking it to the group will be.

I look back now and realize how fortunate I was in the years before I took charge of a parish. In the late 60s through the 70s, there were numerous training programs available for clergy and lay leaders. I participated in dozens of weeks of training, a couple of trainer development programs, and got a masters degree in organization development. By the time I walked through the door of that parish in South Philadelphia, I had received face-to-face and written feedback from hundreds of people. I had coaching and mentoring from professionals in the field. I had a pretty good sense of where my blind sides were and what my strengths were. And even at that I made mistakes. Some of the​ mistakes were very serious​. But all that feedback helped in at least two ways. One was that I probably would've made many more mistakes. The other is that I seem to have developed some capacity to stay present in difficult situations and to appropriately respond when I have made a mistake. You might seek out feedback on your effect on a group by participating in training with NTL, the Crosby T-Group, or an appropriate therapy group.

Address your blindside in two ways. Do not take the stance of, “well this is just who I am and everybody has to adjust to it”. A bit of humility might be useful here. Find ways to offset your blindside. Don’t assume you’re going to have some kind of personality transformation. I've worked with several clergy who were humble enough to invite a group of people they trusted to let them know when they were engaged in a behavior that the group found troublesome. For example, in a couple of situations with clergy that tended to go on too long in a repetitive manner, the group was invited to simply raise their hands to indicate when they had “gotten it.”​ That kind of process seemed to help the clergy become more self-aware and exercise more self-control.

Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap; for the measure you give will be the measure you get back. (Luke 6:​37-38​)

This abides,

Brother Robert, OA

[1[ Self control, also called temperance or moderation. Galatians 5:22-23 love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

[2] Based on Primal Leadership by Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee

[3] “Introduction to Type in Organizations”, Sandra Krebs Hirsh​ and Jean M. Kummerow

[4] “One’s first duty is adoration, and one’s second duty is awe and only one’s third duty is service. And that for those three things and nothing else, addressed to God and no one else, you and I and all other countless human creatures evolved upon the surface of this planet were created. We observe then that two of the three things for which our souls were made are matters of attitude, of relation: adoration and awe. Unless these two are right, the last of the triad, service, won’t be right. Unless the whole of your...life is a movement of praise and adoration, unless it is instinct with awe, the work which the life produces won’t be much good. “ - Evelyn Underhill, The Inner Life

[5] Relationship Cycle in Parishes, Chapter 3 in An Energy Not Its Own: Three cycles of parish life and the purposes of the parish church