Saying no and saying yes
Humility, balance and listening
This is Part 2 of our look at how the parish church deals with those in need. Yes, yes, we know, we are all in need. But you know what we mean in this case.
If you haven’t read “We are a sanctifying presence: Humility, balance and listening,” please do that now. Today we’re looking at a mix of mental models and practices; ways of thinking and behaviors. Along the way we’ll note a few things to do and things not to do.
The parish church is the Body of Christ
“People naturally make the analogy between the Church and other groups with which they are familiar: clubs, corporations, families and so on. References to ‘organized religion’ or ‘institutionalized religion’ reveal the assumption that the Church is just one more form of human organization. While the process of making analogies with the club, corporation, and so on, is inevitable, it also creates a problem. People come to the conclusion that the Church is a ‘society created by human enterprise and designed to serve particular human ends,’ that it is created by the ‘agreement of a number of individual persons who presumably define the terms of their association and its goals.’ ‘… Church means, not corporation and not club, but a collection of people who have been called out together by a voice or a word or a summons which comes to them from outside.’ “[i]
People are just trying to make sense of the world they live in. And there are many who come to the Eucharist Sunday after Sunday, and even serve on the vestry, while holding onto false understandings of what the church is. They may be fine with hearing the vicar say that the church is the Body of Christ and the People of God while having in mind their favorite way of making sense of all of it, such as, “it’s like a business,” “it’s a movement to reform the world,” “ its primary purpose is to serve the needy,” and so on. And, of course, the church does have business practices and makes use of secular methods of leadership, and we do desire a better world, and we do care for those in need. Complicated isn’t it?
We can usually see when a parishioner is hooked on a false image by the intensity they exhibit. You get a sense that there is too much agitation and passion at stake for them. What that means in practice is that the rector has to kindly and firmly cope with people who, left to their own devices, would distort the parish’s life and ministry. Many parishes have small lobbies of social justice activists, religious social workers, and those who want to save the parish be making it “run like a business.” All that needs to me managed by: 1) the priest’s inner clarity; 2) the strengthening of an apostolic core and apostolic climate; and 3) an occasional sermon or teaching that addresses the matter. See the notes below for a few resources.[2]
Two places of connection
There are two primary places in the parish where some form of service takes place: one is if there is a team or committee or staff person with a responsibility for service projects, and the other is the parish priest. We don’t want to confuse the two roles. The person seeking the priest’s loving attention (and a few dollars) may show up during coffee hour or at the rectory door. They’re usually looking for cash, in addition to wanting the priest’s attention. Most parishes have learned to never give cash. So, the dynamics are complex. It takes a degree of emotional intelligence to be kind, to accept the symbolic power of the priest’s role, and also not allow the person to move into the rectory’s guest bedroom. The people who are good at managing a project like a soup kitchen that provides a specific service in a focused way may not be very good at the kind of work the priest needs to do at the door.
There is a need to say no
“No, we don’t provide funds to cover your rent.” “No, we can’t help you get a job.” “No, we don’t have shelter space.” The priest needs to be willing and able to accurately relay the limits of what the parish provides. The priest needs to be clear about those limits and then tell the person, “no we just don’t do that.” And then don’t explain it. Don’t tell them that we don’t have the money or the time. It can be a great help for the priest to have some guidelines worked out in advance about what we will do and what we will not do. Some of that will be connected to the use of the discretionary fund, but the requests are at times not just about money. Will you give them a ride to the bus station? Will you allow them to use the parish bathrooms every morning? This is all about setting limits and those clergy who like to talk about unconditional love and such may have a difficult time being firm.
The need is to set limits. You don’t have to allow the person to tell you their life story before they get to the point of asking for enough money to get a train ticket to Chicago. It’s not unkind to say, “I’ve only got a few minutes now. Is there something I can help you with quickly? If not, you’ll need to come back tomorrow when I’m in the office.” Don’t assume that you have to sit there and listen to a long wind up before they pitch their request for money. We hate to think it, but the fact is that many are in real need, and some are also engaged in a hustle. If we fail to set limits, we are setting ourselves up to feel used and be resentful.
Of course, it’s good to be clear about what you are willing to do. Some parishes never give out money but will give the person a voucher for food or services from local businesses. Many parishes have a list of resources in the region that will provide housing, food, and other forms of assistance.
Our internal pressure to be the perfect saint
Most clergy know that to the extent we carry that desire to be the perfect priest, it is pathological, totally wrong headed, destructive to ourselves and to the church. And yet, there it is in the back of our mind. And even if we’ve matured enough to manage that illusion, we are likely to have a number of immature parishioners who expect it of us.
99% of the ministry of the church is carried out by the baptized in their daily lives
For some parishes, especially small parishes, it is totally appropriate to have no corporate service projects. The parish may be fulfilling all three purposes of a parish church without offering a program that addresses social needs. Our experience is that 1) to the extent people have become light and salt by their participation in the Eucharistic community, they will be light and salt with their family and friends, in the workplace and in civic life. That is the parish’s primary way of engaging the needs of the society. And 2) In many congregations we have asked people, “Do you give money and/or time to address human need outside of what you do through the parish?” Usually 90% of the people are already doing something.
What are we able and willing to do?
What the parish decides to do in relationship to serving human needs through corporate ministries is entirely shaped by the size of the parish, the abilities of the priest, the resources of the parish (both human and financial), whether the parish has staff on site every day, and whether the priest lives in the neighborhood.
We do need to know what city or regional resources are available to address the person’s need. And even when such resources may be lacking, we still need to accept in humility that we are not here to fill every request of every person.
Some parishes have developed a twofold approach. If Jane wants to organize Thanksgiving meals she may go ahead and do that, and recruit others to help. All on the understanding that the parish staff will not be expected to assist and that she will not “guilt” others. The second approach is for the parish to pick one thing that can be done well and be sustained. That may range from providing meals every day to the homeless, to offering a voucher for a sandwich at the local deli, to having new socks available every Tuesday morning.
We imagine that as you’ve read this you’ve thought of several other issues and dynamics present in such situations. Feel free to add them in the comments.
This abides,
Sister Michelle, OA and Brother Robert, OA
[1] From Fill All Things: The Dynamics of Spirituality in the Parish Church, Robert A Gallagher, Ascension Press of the Order of the Ascension, 2008. Sections in quotation marks are from Richard Norris’s Understanding the Faith of the Church, Seabury Press, NY, 1979.
[2] Nurturing internal clarity and an apostolic core and climate is addressed in the chapters on Shape of the Parish and the Benedictine Promise in Fill All Things: The Dynamics of Spirituality in the Parish Church, the chapter on Power from the Center Pervades the Whole in A Wonderful and Sacred Mystery: A Practical Theology of the Parish Church, the first chapter of An Energy Not Its Own: Three Cycles of Parish Life and the Purposes of the Parish Church, and Martin Thornton’s Pastoral Theology: a Reorientation. This worksheet has been used as an educational resource: “The Church: Analogies and Images”