Safe Church & Group Methods

You will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you (Acts 1:8a)

I spent three hours this morning doing the on-line safe church training program. It was fine. I’m a bit mentally numb and glad to have completed it. It’s mostly material that anyone with a strong background in the applied behavior sciences would be familiar with. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve done the program. It was interesting to see how the progressive political emphasis of recent years shows itself in the program.

Inclusion and acceptance: How much do people in the parish community accept that others in the community belong and bring something to contribute? To what extent do people accept the parish’s ways of being and doing, its espoused values and deeper underlying assumptions about God, humanity and the church?

Group process and methods

The program deals with “inclusion” as though it is a stand alone matter. It would benefit from seeing inclusion as one element of a broader and rather complex group/team development process. Here are links to a few group development models.

Inclusion – Control – Openness

Trust Development

Stages of Team Development

Each notes how a group moves from inclusion/acceptance through various stages toward some expression of group productivity (internal commitment, collaboration, openness). Each assumes that inclusion is a starting point that when done well can help a group better fulfill what it exists to do. None of them sees “inclusion” as an end in itself. Rather it’s the beginning.

The Safe Church material leans in the direction of placing responsibility for inclusion on the group and its leaders whereas the models tend to see it as a two-way process. Yes, the group needs to include the new member and those who may often be ignored. And, each person must accept responsibility for including themselves.

It also seems to assume that the way to manage the occasions of people not being included is for someone to speak up and act to include that person. In itself a fine idea, especially if done in a manner that doesn’t shame the group or its leaders. What’s missing is any awareness of methods that leaders can use to make inclusion easy. I’ll stay with this for a moment.

We all have experienced how certain voices in the room are heard more often than others. One of the first things I learned in a 1971 Human Relations Lab was to notice who talked more often than others and for a longer period of time. The “normal” group dynamic we see in parishes often tilts power toward the more extroverted members, the rector’s "“in group”, and historically toward men. And while the Safe Church program’s suggestion for individuals to intervene and make space for those being left out of the discussion may be necessary, we all know that it’s often avoided because such interventions are as likely to set off conflict as they are to actually promote fuller inclusion.

So, what’s the alternative? Around the cicle

There are a number of processes and structures we can use that will help inclusion, the free flow of information, and nurture participation.

A few structures and processes to facilitate listening

One of the most effective methods is called “Around the circle “ The method allows everyone to be heard. Using it at least once in every meeting can encourage a general norm of participation and listening that becomes part of the community’s culture. I’ve used it with up to 45 people. Participants speak in turn around the circle. When Sister Michelle and I use it at St. Clement’s where everyone is at round tables, we go from table to table inviting each person to speak. The comment is to be brief and on one point. We are not inviting speeches or rants. The method helps equalize the voices in the room so the more hesitant are heard along with the more assertive. It can be especially useful when dealing with controversial issues.

Open information:The extent to which there is an open climate in which people feel free to share their feelings and ideas. That information is shared in a timely, useful, thorough and respectful manner.

The alternative only works if the leader shows courage and persistence

Every parish has a few people who frequently have a difficult time managing their emotions. And there are moments when any of us will have such strong feelings that we are tempted to ignore the group’s norms.

At such times the person leading the meeting has a duty to protect the group’s well being. The leader has to insist upon the norms being followed. It’s a difficult task in the face of a parishioner who has decided that they have a right to override the norms. The person invites the group to leave the agreed upon work and move into some concern that is in their view more important. Or the person refuses to stop talking and goes on and on. It’s a form of holding the whole group hostage to the person’s emotions.

I have an immense amount of training in group development and facilitation. I’ve led hundreds of groups including groups experiencing a high level conflict. I have almost always been able to protect the integrity of the group’s work from members who feel entitled to “have their say.” Until recently.

In the last couple of years, on at least two occasions I simply failed to stay with the responsibility I had to ensure each person could have their say and protect the community from abuse. I’ve reflected a good bit on that and here’s what I think is going on in me. First, I’m 80 and I’m tired. So, in the face of a loud, relentless person — I backed off. My energy failed me. In those moments I lacked the needed courage and persistence. Second, I was doing this in my own parish and at some level got hooked in that moment by my own need for inclusion. If I held the line and protected the group, would others see me as being too harsh?

I’m also aware that most of the times in the past few years I’ve held the line. Usually, it’s simply a matter of nudging a couple of men who are in the habit of holding forth. They are good natured and easily move back into the groups’ norms. A few times I’ve had to be firm and insist on the norms being followed.

Please don’t start sending me messages of support and comfort. I am simply sharing what was going on within me in those times when I didn’t do my job. It’s a professional discipline. Also, good for the humility muscles. God is our strength and when we are successful and when we fail in our duty — we are to return to the threefold pathway: Mass, Office, Reflection.

Cardinal Basil Hume, when he was Abbot of Ampleforth, often used to tell his monks, 'Take God seriously; take other people seriously; but never, never take yourself seriously.

Age and power

I think it was about five years ago, around the time when I turned 75, when I observed the shift. I had noticeably aged and was beginning to have mobility problems. My energy was getting lower and lower. I walked at a much slower pace and in a more cautious manner. I was emotionally and mentally fine. Maybe even better than I had ever been. For example, in my first 75 years of life I wrote three books. Between 76 and 78 I wrote four books (in collaboration with Sister Michelle.) But I was now “old.” And I liked it. I have made my home in it.

They shall still bear fruit in old age; *
they shall be green and succulent (Psalm 92:13)

Others had told me to expect it, but it still came as a surprise. I was now invisible to anyone under 50. It was odd.

Of course, I had moved from being a trainer, preacher and consultant with a defined in-person role to an old man who spent his days at the coffee shop, saying the Office on Zoom, slow walking for exercise, making a stop at the market, reading, and watching a movie — and maybe every other day doing some writing or designing an educational event.

The Safe Church program pays a lot of necessary attention on how older people can misuse their power in relation to younger people. We’ve all seen it. Ignoring, dismissing and excluding. And worse.

Here’s the thing — when you cross over into invisibility — it reverses. Or at least, some of the time in reverses.

He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:29-31)

It’s helpful to recall that this is America. We have a fetish around youth. Popular culture is largely about the interests and activities of the young. Even as brain science has told us that our brains are not fully formed until we’re 25, we’ve lowered the age when people can vote and buy guns. There’s power in being young. I remember it! More energy and strength. The illusion that you’d live forever. And believing that you had special knowledge about politics and foreign affairs. While I benefited from it I was always a bit skeptical about it. I remember being 21 and driving to a home visit with an older priest who I still see as the kindest and wisest person I’ve known. He said something like, “This younger generation may save us all.” And I thought — no, no, no!

Being invisible isn’t the same as elder abuse. Any personal abuse I’ve experienced in the church has been at the hands of more powerful clergy who wanted to stop me from writing or having friends they disapproved of.

Still, I’m aware of the invisibility. My introversion, along with tons of human relations training and therapy, makes it easy for me to cope with it. I actually sort of enjoy it. At the same time, I know it’s sets the base for elder abuse.

The Safe Church program could be improved with increased attention to ascetical theology (quoting Scripture isn’t enough) and a deeper look at the dynamics of power in our common life.

The program does mention “self care” several times. Its approach is pretty much conventional secular wisdom. Nothing wrong with that. But it misses ascetical wisdom. Once I completed it I found myself thinking about the “Presence in Providence” spiritual map we will use in the upcoming module of Shaping the Parish. It explores four broad terms of God’s sustaining presence in our life. In this time, for me, it is the “Guiding Pattern.”

God’s overall activity is seen as two-way; events that are joyful or fearsome. Experienced as a “clearly guiding, harmonious pattern of events.” We are to seek and accept the pattern, penitentially and with humility. Seeing that God is active and everywhere.

This abides,

Brother Robert, OA

The Feast of James Theodore Holly, Bishop, 1911